Re:Birth

 

I think what I was trying to convey in my previous entry is perhaps more concisely talked to as a process of being reborn.

Which is both unsurprising, given that I have been referring to these past number of series as Project Chrysalis; and also is quite a significant concept that I want to get my head around a bit more: Not just something to be neatly encapsulated as a phrase.

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The realisation I have had is that:
I have, in insulating myself whilst recovering from a bout of depression; I have jettisoned a great deal of what made up who I was, and how I felt about the people and experiences I have had in my life.

As I tried to say last time; the way I am going about things these days feel different to how they did a few years ago, and across the two decades before that really.

And this is not a conscious decision - I seemed to recall that I quite enjoyed those lives that I have had; and see no surface reasons as to why I would change that approach - but clearly the chemicals in my brain (aka the brain ferrets) have decided that a new, maybe more selective approach is needed.

This maybe began six or even seven years ago when I began to reduce the group socialising I did (slowly at first, and - again - not a deliberate conscious effort, until much more recently). It just didn't feel good to me to be socialising in that way. And, after my previous relationship ended; around four years ago now - I basically had a blank slate with how I approached engaging with new people. Which still involved some group socialising, that - on reflection - didn't feel as positive as I expected it to. And so I began to turn a bit more inward in my focus.

Which is not to say I hated every moment of past me; definitely not by a long way (and I feel lucky & privileged about that) - but such an example as this group socialising, is just one of many aspects of me 'now' that feels alien and no longer in line with how I want to approach engaging with my life.

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And whilst I hesitate to use the term 'born again', not just because of the accidentally religious connotations that I definitely do not associate with myself - it does feel a fitting metaphor to how I am increasingly starting to regard myself.

I have, after all, begun a new way of working [with a whole new set of associated morals]; I have begun to work harder and more deeper on my life partnership; I have begun to clarify my gender identity and the various ramifications of that; I have continued to adopt the Ministry as a framework to a bunch of life-admin things; I have even started to crystalise my thoughts around nationality/citizenship - as challenging as that can feel. And - most likely - I have started to grapple with myself not necessarily operating as a neuro-typical person might.

So there are a lot of new experiences going on at the moment - and, because I am new myself, I don't necessarily have the developed language to talk about it all.
Which I often find difficult when someone I know asks 'what are you up to these days?' or 'how are you getting along?'; maybe I am scared to try and explain what I am up to - or what thoughts I am currently having - because it can potentially be very different to the person that they originally met and fell into a friendship with. [Will it feel like I tricked them into being friendly with me, all those X years ago?]

And I know it isn't necessarily my responsibility to make sure people are comfortable around me; and by being different to how they used to know me; that isn't on me to make sure they adjust and join me on the journey.
Of course for some, I really hope they do join me in some way - and I certainly don't hope to hurt people by being a different person than the one they met before.

It's just weird to have that sensation now, at the ripe old age of 42, and also maybe nearly 1.

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I know it is naïve to expect yourself to be the same throughout all of your years; and I don't think I have ever expected that about myself. It's just that this time it feels different; it feels more of a significant shift away from the person I know I once was. Maybe just the quantity of changes at a similar timeframe is what has tipped me over into this new era.

So that's me right now. Not exactly wondering how I got here; but definitely wondering who I am these days, and what are the better ways to exist in this world, that enhance the experience for not only myself, but those dearest to me.

Let's breathe and see.