Forged Identity

There are approximately 17 years between these photos (5 or 6 years between each); all of which are undoubtedly of myself - but also are examples of four (of many more) previous versions of myself.

The first is I think shortly after university, settling into a shared house - in the peak years of following a wide variety of European metal bands across the continent - spending hours (most days) in an internet chatroom of similar minded/humoured folk.

The second is embedded in my Leeds-based social group; this was taken on the Three (Yorkshire) Peaks Challenge in or around 2011. I don't have much to report on from that period of my life - perhaps maybe it was simply unremarkable - but I would spend plenty of my social time with groups of people, maybe still at gigs - but often online playing games, or visiting folks at weekends.

The third is early into my realisation that Polyamory (as I labelled it then) was for me. I think it is actually after my first real relationship; but when I was more exploring the dating world, through the lens of a non-monogamy support group I regularly attended.

The fourth is taken at the highest point of the Isle of Man - a few years ago only - but when I went on holiday with my parents there; and also I was in the midst of three relationships at the time.

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All of these pictures I can recognise, and place in my life - all of them have personal characteristics associated from those times - but today I can't really remember exactly how I felt at the time; or even how I operated as an individual.
Even in the most recent photo, I don't quite recognise that person there.

And this is not the prelude to me announcing a new personality that I am now - that's not where I am today - but it is giving me pause for thought, here within Project Chrysalis. Trying to understand where I am, and where I have come from.

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To what extent are our identities created?

What I am struggling to remember is how I felt across the last twenty years or so. I don't recall the headspace I occupied in my twenties; in my thirties even.

This is in contrast to - whilst there does seem to be a bit of a memory blackspot of what I got up to, post-uni, but pre-post-Covid - I do have records of the things I have done. I've got ticket stubs; I've got emails; I've got photos; I've got anecdotal evidence from my peers.

But the feeling of how I operated; how I made decisions at the time; how I (for want of a more formal term) vibed with things? That feels a lot less apparent.

I think I can remember the role I played within social situations - I was usually the silly one (sometimes having to resort to being the silliest, in social groups with stiff competition); I usually made some jokes at some point - I had certain defined musical, cinema, gaming tastes - I had pseudo-political opinions; I was generally an amiable person to be around, which I felt through reciprocity - I enjoyed all the people I spent time with.

In many ways, who I was, was an amalgamation of all of those characteristics, plus how people reacted to and responded to me. I created things that I think others would enjoy [and I enjoyed creating].

I don't think this is an unusual realisation for you to have about past versions of yourself.

But I am still struggling with how this feels different to how I go about existing today.

Previous versions of me didn't think too much about what they wanted to do, or could do - I know a lot of this comes from privilege - but also I think I had lower expectations about life back then. Not from a 'oh well there's not much about life, so there's not much I can expect' sort of perspective - more from a 'well, I'm pretty content with the life I am crafting here; the people in it; the society around me; the endless possibilities that the internet and also culture offer me; so there's not going to be too much to challenge that' - from just living within that feeling, really.

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And now I'm having to think more.

Which is not something I begrudge, to be clear. It is important I think more - there are certain people in my life that deserve my thought and attention, beyond just the occasional acknowledgement of their existence - I feel like I have more dependence on folk (and them more on me).

Again, not a criticism - far from it - just something I'm trying to align with the more challenging ways in which it feels I have to go about the world.
Undoubtedly thanks to the external state of it all - the gradual collapse of most of the structures that I had either taken for granted throughout adolescence; or have come to determine as failing/imperfect institutions, that should be improved upon - but no-one seems to have the ability or willing to do so.

So it feels like there's a lot more I have to take on in my considerations [and yes, I am fully aware this is essentially what is stereotyped as 'adulting'!]; and I no longer seem to be the free and breezy individual that I seem to recall I once was.

Or was that who I was?

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My past identities are crafted from the people I met; the experiences I had; the music I heard; the overall culture I consumed, and the societies within which I operated.

Whilst I am sure I was an agent with free will in all of this; I guess I am now reckoning with the sense of ultimate responsibility that I have for myself these days; and also for those I hold most dearest to me.

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I guess with the unsettling undercurrent of society in general under collapse (and I can only know and feel this from the privileged perspective of someone that did once live in an ecosystem that seemed to be sustaining my broad wants and needs); it feels somewhat odd to be no longer sure who I am - in comparison to the people that I have been in the past.

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What I struggle with the most is how I am different. 

Obvious to anyone who thinks about it; but the Dan of today is a cumulation of the past 42 years worth of experiences and insights; which (in my example) feels vastly different to the Dan of 17 years ago.

And I wonder how someone I know from even a handful of years ago, would feel meeting the me of today. I am certain it would be different. I seem to have lost the bouncy energy of past, group-pleasing me. Not out of regret I say this; just keen observation.

I worry that people who got to know me over several years; and - for obvious reasons - don't constantly live in my head and therefore share in my developing thoughts about myself and the world - so might find it unsettling to know who I am these days.
And I don't mean that in a dark and sinister a way as it is evidently phrased!!!

I am still the rational, spreadsheet-based individual of decades ago; just I think with more of a sense that my ability to make the world a slightly more enjoyable experience; feels more limited to 'only' those that are the closest to me - rather than being able to create something and have it be enjoyed by many.

[I don't think that's something I ever achieved in the past by the way, to be clear; it's just I guess an overall feeling that was once possible; now it feels like I'm being more realistic. The world for myself, and those closest to me; we can work together in different ways to make our lives more enjoyable.]

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My identity used to involve a lot less admin. I was a free-flowing entity that adjusted to the sentiments of the crowd that I socialised with.

Now there needs to be more thought, because I have different expectations for myself; and - perhaps more importantly - more folks relying on my engagement to keep things improving.

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I'm not convinced this blog has fully captured what is present in my mind; but it will do for now.

I think ultimately I'm curious as to how people will respond to the person I am now, in contrast to the person I have been before.