I think you ought to know I'm feeling [very] depressed

Photo credit: The Manic Macrographer

Preamble

Marvin the Paranoid Android is a character introduced in the first Hitchhiker's book [well, okay pedants; technically they're introduced in the radio show!], and I think for a long time they were my touchpoint reference for the term 'depression'; via the quote above.

In actuality, whilst I know Douglas Adams himself was depressed at times, I don't think he'd claim Marvin was an in-depth exploration of what it means to be depressed. Quite often Marvin was portrayed as a robot with the brain the size of a planet - IE great intelligence - and all Zaphod and co. were asking them to do was to open doors, escort Ford and Arthur to the bridge, keep an eye on the surface - that sort of thing. For 'depression' read 'frustration at the triviality of it all'.

And I think maybe if I'd thought about this more, I would have realised this wasn't an in-depth exploration of what it might be to feel depressed - but, as I say, it was my frame of reference for a while. And gives me an apt way of opening up this blog.

The Rest

Before I waffle further; I don't claim to speak for anyone's experiences with depression other than my own - and I am not saying my experience is more or less valid than anyone's. It just felt important to me to keep folks with a vested interested in my life and my wellbeing, to keep you updated on what's going on with me.

Also - spoilers - I am writing this from a better place than I have been for a while; and my trajectory remains positive - so no need to worry.

Whilst the last two years have been somewhat unconventional in a number of ways - taking my departure from my full-time job in the corporate world of the last nearly-eighteen years, is perhaps the most obvious starting point. And whilst by the following summer, I had found employment at what turns out to be one of the best-suited charities for me in terms of it's ethos, and my colleagues there; it was probably around a year ago that I started to sense a shift in a number of things about me.

For one, I seemed to be losing interest in a number of things that have featured at various points in my life to this point; films being the most straightforward/obvious one - yes I still enjoyed finding new things at LIFF and LQFF; but the sense of me having a large film collection & associated knowledge - that fell away, and my DVD collection has significantly reduced.

But more abstract things came to figure in this decline; like a reduction in connection with a number of people who I had engaged with in my life before now - and a sense of less future-facing thoughts going on. Yes I've never been a 'where will I be in 5 years' time' person; but to not have a real enthusiasm for plotting new projects and adventures at all in the future - that was a warning that I eventually noticed.

In short, and for other reasons; I found myself engaging with a therapist for the first time last autumn (I can only highly recommend therapy, if you get a good therapist to work with); and whilst the surface challenges were worked through - this process went on pause into the new year, and it was only through some emotional events this spring that I started to realise I was really struggling.

In fact it came to a head on a trip with my partner, when I suffered what I would describe as a depressive episode - and this was not a witty eloquent moment where the futility of life bore itself out in an amusing way to those observing - this was my brain shutting down and giving up on quite frankly everything. It was only thanks to the intervention of my wonderful partner that I continued functioning at some level for the rest of that holiday; but I started to see the extent of what I was trying to figure out.

Some introspection later; I have resumed my therapy sessions, and - crucially in this case - spoken to a few folk about depression [thank you to those of you that offered up support and information], which led me to engaging with a GP, and I have now been prescribed anti-depressants; which - touch wood, nearly two months in - seem to be doing what I expected. IE they are raising the levels of the chemicals in my brain to acceptable levels, that is allowing me to rebuild a sense of who I am, and continue in my day-to-day endeavours with a (dare I say it?) positive outlook?

Alongside this, I have released myself of any particular obligations to the wider constructs of my life - Project Chrysalis is the whimsical name I put out there, to allow myself to focus in on myself a while.

But the genius in this step, is that I have not just focussed on myself - I am taking gradual steps to improve my physical health as well - I have also focussed on the relationships that matter the most. Which is easily with my dear partner, and we seem to be working well right now, and going forward: But also with my parents (who I updated at the weekend just gone), and my godchild and their parents.

Although this progress is marked; I am still very much still in maintenance mode - Project Chrysalis as a concept is still there - and whilst I am in some ways taking each day as it comes; I am also happy to report that looking ahead into the future is starting to be a thing, and feels good.
In the last week I have had the spark of an idea for taking forward a project I came up with a good few months ago; and - perhaps most demonstrably - I have felt the urge, and comfort, to write up this blog and let folks know where I am and how.

So is that it? That's where I'm at?

I think so. To be honest I'm getting used to the idea that there's no real timeframe for this stuff; with not having a particular goal at this point in time beyond 'keeping going on a positive trajectory' - I am comfortable with testing the waters again with a few more folk, and a few more plans - but I don't have a particular aim in mind.

Probably the most confusing part of this is - very much in the same way there doesn't seem to be a particular catalyst for this life experience - there doesn't seem to be a motivation to go back to exactly who I was. Of course, I'm constantly developing like the rest of us; but I see the sense in not trying to recapture the energies of how I lived in the past.

Which - to be very clear - I'm not saying was a mistake; I don't really have regrets from my past - it just feels kinda weird; just like you wouldn't try and go back to the person you were in high school for example - equally it makes sense to not try and resume everything I did before this last year. Hence 'maintenance mode'; and a desire to slowly - and consciously - begin to re-engage with people and things; and see which of them still appeal, and feel good to be engaging with.

I know that doesn't give a clear answer to anyone (least of all to me) as to exactly where and what I will be in the coming months and years; but if I see you out there - I'll be sure to offer you a reassuring thumb.

Stay hoopy, froods.