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  "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Upon this occasion of my 42nd birthday, you will find me this morning visiting the grave of Douglas Adams. After all it has been his influence that means I ascribe some meaning to this otherwise mostly unremarkable milestone. And so, because I have afforded myself the indulgence of making today a day of particular importance, I am in turn keen to reflect on where and who I am these days, and publish that here for those who care to know me. For those of you following along at home, you will recall that the last calendar year in particular has been one of important self-acknowledgement and discovery; first came the realisation that my mental health was not where I wanted it to be - after a few important but difficult moments - and second came the work to get to a better place. Supported by my incredible partner Nessa, and some very understanding professionals; I took on both...

  Photo courtesy of Murat Halici Oh yes. That's more like it from this blog! For those of you that are (like I was) unfamiliar with 'the Overton Window'; it's essentially a way of describing the 'window of normality' that exists in the political sphere - IE what is actual governmental policy is at the centre of the window; beside that is what is popular (but maybe not actually policy); the next circle outside of that is what the populace would generally deem sensible; and then - as you start to move outside this window - things are still acceptable (maybe like people smoking weed; not legally encouraged in the UK, but seems to be broadly accepted as happening); and then things become more radical - and the 'unthinkable' is the furthest away from what that particular society would accept. I apologise to the political theorists I've just upset in that bad overview; it seems a lot more detailed and nuanced than that - but for the purposes of this blog; ...

Photo credit: The Manic Macrographer Preamble Marvin the Paranoid Android is a character introduced in the first Hitchhiker's book [well, okay pedants; technically they're introduced in the radio show!], and I think for a long time they were my touchpoint reference for the term 'depression'; via the quote above. In actuality, whilst I know Douglas Adams himself was depressed at times, I don't think he'd claim Marvin was an in-depth exploration of what it means to be depressed. Quite often Marvin was portrayed as a robot with the brain the size of a planet - IE great intelligence - and all Zaphod and co. were asking them to do was to open doors, escort Ford and Arthur to the bridge, keep an eye on the surface - that sort of thing. For 'depression' read 'frustration at the triviality of it all'. And I think maybe if I'd thought about this more, I would have realised this wasn't an in-depth exploration of what it might be to feel depressed -...

  As the title suggests, I'm still here. Just wanted to let folk know that really - especially those of you that aren't necessarily in current contact with me. There's not much to report on at this moment in time - Project Chrysalis is ongoing, but progress is - deliberately - slow. Rest assured I am taking good care of myself, and those closest to me are being exceptionally wonderful, and I truly do not know how much more time I will need. And I am okay with that. Consider me in 'maintenance mode'. A lot of my additional functions are not in operation right now, and I'm focussing on the basics; and then - when the inclination takes me - I'm exploring my interests and the social circles I have been a part of, and figuring out what works; what I might come back to; and what I might need to leave behind. My aim is to deliver a more tangible and meaningful update towards the end of the current series (or around the end of September for you Gregorians out there)...

  The concept of selfishness... is a pretentious way to begin a blog. However, it is also something that I think gets portrayed in a negative light when you are young and developing. Probably for sensible reasons; like if a society wants to operate - it will need people to be external-facing, open to engagement; and maybe not too selfish. Like - yes you all have basic needs like food, water, shelter, clothing, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope - but there is a collective need to fairly distribute most of these things amongst us all, so you can't just go off on your own and take all the resources [looking at you, <insert obvious villain of the moment>]. And I think there is some truth there. However as my fortieth year has been and gone; I began sensing that the accumulation of experiences that I was, was no longer who I felt I could be, or wanted to be. Not in some violent, horrific realisation sort of way - to be very clear - I've had a lu...

  Firstly; two important things: This is not a cry for help. I am fine; I am just working a few things out - consider this more a statement of intent This is very much an on-the-hoof/off-the-cuff exploration of the thoughts I am currently processing, and are therefore to be taken with a pinch of thought - There's a moment in the brilliant and broadly uplifting film Rave On for the Avon  where the Avon Mermaid [you'll need to watch it to understand better!] takes a look back to one shore of the estuary and states how it doesn't really feel like they've moved any further away from the shore (especially considering the craft they are following is gradually moving away from them), and even when they are half-way it doesn't feel like they are making progress. I think that is a useful metaphor for how I have been feeling these past 9 months or more - I know I'm pedalling away from something, and - more importantly - towards something; but my destination is unclear and...