Now We Are Free

 

About 23 years ago, I started to make some fairly fundamental decisions about my life.

I'm referring to internal, philosophical and - ultimately (pun intended) - selfish decisions, that would steer my way of approaching life for the next few decades.

Perhaps the term selfish is misleading, as I think it has a negative feel to it (which, may well still be true in some lights); but what I mean by the previous sentence, is that I looked at the world outwardly from myself. I started from first principles (which I stacked up at ultimatephilosophy.com), and lived on the basis that everything else in life was a lot of fun things, that ultimately didn't matter.

I came to conclusions very early on in my life, that acknowledged that life is a singular experience - an often lonely one - and I became very lucky through my privilege that often life wasn't too harsh on me - I have (and indeed have!!) a great support network around me, of friends and family; who were accepting of my viewpoint on life, but were nonetheless happy to suspend their disbelief - along with me - that the journey of things that life can send your way, were still very much worth engaging in.

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Of course, there have been many things since, that I have come to the conclusion are not worth engaging in. Politics is often an easy example, if you will look back over my blog; but also the 'relationship escalator' idea of partnership; co-habitation; parenting; etc. - that went out the window thanks to the opening of my eyes to ethical non-monogamy. The world of sports is perhaps a less controversial one that I don't engage in much; but also entirely harmless things such as knitting; abseiling; scuba-diving; bird ownership; and so many more I could list.

Like most people I know to some degree, I don't have one singular passion - I have a number of things that can hold my attention, and entertain me; and I have been very comfortable in that mould.

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But I have perhaps already gotten a little off-track. 

My point here is that these past 23 years or so have been me looking outwardly to the world, and - accepting of the ultimate dark reality of a singular human existence - been able to cherry pick what has engaged me, entertained me, excited me, tickled me and intrigued me, and make that a part of myself. Of my world.

I even was able to build a whole new framework for looking out into the outside world; the Ministry of Ginger and its Departments gives me a structure around how I interrogate the world - rather than through the lenses that society often hand you without really any explanation other than 'well this is just how it is'.

I have my own independent & developing views of money (and the systems in which it participates); communication in the modern world; art & entertainment; business & employment; care & health; development & education; foreign aid & diplomacy; history & legacy; infrastructure & transport; justice; space & time; and even what it is to be a citizen of both the UK and the world.

All of which are self-serving; IE they help me navigate the external universe in ways in which seem relevant to me.

Tangent: Interestingly the dictionary definition of "self-serving" remarks "serving one's own interests often in disregard of the truth or the interests of others": I would definitely contest the use of the term 'truth', as truth is very subjective; and 'the disregard of the interests of others', again harks back to the 'selfish' nature of ultimate philosophy, and how I engage with the world - outwards from myself.

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All of which is great. The combination of Ultimate Philosophy and the Ministry of GINGER really is the most solid foundation for a singular existence that I believe I can possibly reflect on; and I do still hope to talk more about that in a book one day soon.

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The problem comes, when you involve other sentient beings. [Which is also possibly the most underrated summary sentence of the human condition that you can ever get].

And I don't really mean here friends and family. All of whom are wonderful and make my life immeasurably more tolerable and often happy and joyous. But they do so on their terms. IE they keep their boundaries; they give their love when they can, and I reciprocate as I can.

But we don't co-exist. We don't attempt to take on the world together.

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Okay, so maybe that isn't completely true - yes, and of course, there are times when I join a friend or family member in supporting them in an endeavour. Or joining them on a common topic of entertainment or purpose.

And I'm not doing those moments a disservice here I hope - some of these have been the most fulfilling moments in my life; but ("at the end of the day..."); we still exist in our own worlds. Again, I'm not trying to criticise or create a negative feeling about this - I'm just exploring the perspective that ultimately we are each working towards our own futures. Which may well (and often hopefully!) contain many many more future encounters - but they are still our own lives. They are still unique and distinct.

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What I have always known since the age of 17, is that I am ultimately the agent of my own existence. I have been incredibly lucky with all of the people I have met; all the interactions I have had; all the places and events I have been - that my existence has been a rich and rewarding one in many ways: And will hopefully continue to be for a good while yet!
And when it all comes to an end, I know how I will sign off, and I will hopefully be at peace.

And yet - and here's the twist - I'm not quite clear on what I hope to have achieved by then.

I still don't know what I'm doing...

And I expect this may well resonate with some of you; I think it is a common thread for many of us, and I count myself no different.

As part of my recent career break, I selected a few things that I wanted to work on - my projects - namely a book, archiving physical things of importance to me, and a research project. Whilst also getting rid of a number of possessions, and progressing my Magic collection. [Why yes, I am that cool!].

I could still list these projects, plus a few others, that - if I had more time away from work - I would put my energy into further.

But these are on hold whilst my new employment project progresses - something which I am thoroughly enjoying by the way; the charity sector - in an area I fundamentally believe in - is very rewarding in new ways. And that isn't something I feel negatively towards.

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So what am I struggling with? What is the point of this blog?

The answer is deceptively simple: co-existence.

23 years ago, I laid the foundations for a singular, individual, existence. One in which I lived outwards of myself, and - despite all the loneliness it ultimately carries - enrich my life by spending time with good people, doing good things, having good times.

And whilst this is still at the very core of my being; there has been perhaps a surprising and recent development: A relationship where I feel like there is a true sense of partnership.

Something that is at odds with my decades old understanding of the world.

Or rather, it isn't at odds, because we are all individuals ["yes! we're all individuals!"] - myself and my partner are still very much living our own lives, which - very happily - often intertwine with each other; but also give us the freedom to explore: Sometimes together, and sometimes separately. Which is always how I have seen the benefits of non-monogamy; individuals, but together.

And I wouldn't want that dynamic to change; my partner and I often talk about growing together, and encouraging each other in whatever we are up to - together or apart. And there are aspects of our lives that don't intersect, in a Venn diagram; although we are aware of them.

Somewhere here are the solid foundations of a great partnership; which is really throwing my selfish ideas up in the air somewhat (which is completely terrible; they said sarcastically) - and I am only starting to learn how to understand what this might mean.

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And, at the same time; I am starting to focus my perspective on what life I have remaining.

To assure at least one friend who I know might read this - I AM NOT DYING! - it is just a secondary feature of the language I use here! But (and I hate to break this truth to you also); I am not getting any younger. I'm also trying to avoid cliches like the plague here; but this really is straying into 'get busy living or get busy dying' territory, and I don't want to be flippant - because I don't want the rest of my life to be able to be summed up in a kitsch one-liner.

What I am keen to engage with, within myself; is how I want the rest of my life to play out. And I'm not starting from scratch - to be clear.

I already have a good feeling from my current job, for example; that this is where I would like to continue and maybe even end my working life - in this particular niche of the charity sector.

I also know what I don't want - kids being the obvious answer here. I will absolutely continue to embrace my role as a guardian for a child of some dear friends - but I have no desire to leave behind a genetic legacy.

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Do I even want a legacy?! I think producing my book at some point, and maybe one or two other sillier endeavours; yes those would all be great to achieve - but I don't need them to be realised, to be happy. [Or do I...? ~ Ed.]

I know I definitely want to continue to explore my universe; but with the addition of a true partner, that not only complicates this [in all of the very great ways]; it makes many more things possible in terms of future realities. There are reasons cliches hold up - working in tandem with someone (be they partner or colleague), is often so much more rewarding, than working on your own.

And whilst I have often delighted, and some might say indulged in working on my own in the past - and plan to continue to do so for some things still in the future - I am beginning to decipher what might be possible with a partner in life, and with the most open and supportive friends too.

It is certainly time to fully recognise the freedom I have; and figure out what the future may hold.

Now we are free...