Project Chrysalis

 

The concept of selfishness... is a pretentious way to begin a blog.

However, it is also something that I think gets portrayed in a negative light when you are young and developing. Probably for sensible reasons; like if a society wants to operate - it will need people to be external-facing, open to engagement; and maybe not too selfish. Like - yes you all have basic needs like food, water, shelter, clothing, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope - but there is a collective need to fairly distribute most of these things amongst us all, so you can't just go off on your own and take all the resources [looking at you, <insert obvious villain of the moment>].

And I think there is some truth there.

However as my fortieth year has been and gone; I began sensing that the accumulation of experiences that I was, was no longer who I felt I could be, or wanted to be. Not in some violent, horrific realisation sort of way - to be very clear - I've had a lucky, privileged and broadly comfortable first forty years; and I love a very great deal about it. But in a way that made me want to question if I am still that person.

My sense of self-awareness and identity seems to be shifting - somewhere at the core of me. It's honestly difficult to explain, even though this is something I have been consciously feeling since last summer really - it is still something I am finding difficult to describe.

And that's why I came up with this project; Project Chrysalis. [You can read the official announcement from the Ministry of Ginger here].

The reason I've found these feelings difficult is because I haven't properly engaged with what they are about (and therefore why I want to take some time for myself, to find out more).

I've managed to get by on this planet by responding instinctively to external stimuli - for example the music that I engaged with at uni, brought me to a whole group of friends I would have otherwise not encountered. I daresay that much of the communal mindset from there has helped shaped me further in politic and social outlook; and I'm not just being absorbent here - I suspect I influenced others in a few ways too. Hopefully a healthy exchange of ideas, in retrospect.

Or my engagement with films - there's a clear journey that I went on from my early working at the multiplex cinemas; to expanding into a huge DVD collection; to engaging more and more with both the Leeds International Film Festival and more recently the Leeds Queer Film Festival - expanding my repertoire of engagement to broader and more diverse realms.

And yet today, right now - and in these recent months - I've not felt the same pull to any of these stimuli any more. And not just these two, straight-forward examples - I'm talking about pretty much most of the external things that have influenced my life thus far - people absolutely included. In most cases, I'm feeling lost and directionless, because that internal spark of engagement has gone.

I am actually humbled and very fortunate to have a loving and wise partner who - through some tortured experiences of my own creation - has managed to break through into my brain and helped me realise that this has been going on for a while - that I am not happy in myself, and I am not fundamentally sure why.

Which sounds depressing and rather negative; save for the fact that I now have this realisation.

I can now identify all the parts of my life, and examine my relationships with all of them. I can take this time to meditate on what, nay, who I am - or, more accurately; who I want to be.

Which is why I started talking about selfishness.

I think the later you get on in life, and have accepted your place in the hierarchy that society attempts to impose on you; you can either continue to accept that place - which I absolutely do not blame others for doing; it is the most comforting and nurturing of paths [as long as you are fortunate enough not to be othered in some way - which does seem to be occurring more and more, rather than less and less - a separate aside & concern from today's blog post; but still ever-present and on the increase in the world].

Or you get a little selfish and have a great big conversation with yourself, and interrogate who you are, what you are doing on this planet, and what you care about the most.

I hope to find that through this project.

And I hope you find it too.