It's All Too Much

 


Firstly; two important things:

  1. This is not a cry for help. I am fine; I am just working a few things out - consider this more a statement of intent
  2. This is very much an on-the-hoof/off-the-cuff exploration of the thoughts I am currently processing, and are therefore to be taken with a pinch of thought
-

There's a moment in the brilliant and broadly uplifting film Rave On for the Avon where the Avon Mermaid [you'll need to watch it to understand better!] takes a look back to one shore of the estuary and states how it doesn't really feel like they've moved any further away from the shore (especially considering the craft they are following is gradually moving away from them), and even when they are half-way it doesn't feel like they are making progress.

I think that is a useful metaphor for how I have been feeling these past 9 months or more - I know I'm pedalling away from something, and - more importantly - towards something; but my destination is unclear and often it feels like I am treading water.

Which is not to say progress hasn't been made - my employment has changed drastically in the last year and a half (from a period of nothing to a flourishing in a completely new sector) - and progress continues in other aspects of my life.

But what I am still feeling - and what the click-bait title of this blog is about - is that everything that I am carrying with me in some form; it is all too much.

And this isn't just a look at social media (for example); IE that is still an input into my life, albeit in a scaled back way - or the news - or particular hobbies or interests - it is just an overall feeling that everything that I currently maintain a relationship with (and I am predominantly talking about aspects of society here, not individual relationships with individuals) - it's all too much.


Which, is not to say, that some of it is too much.
IE, I could very much take some of it forwards; just not all of it.

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What I'm feeling right now is a desire to thin out what I am carrying with me. To focus in on the core of what I want to be doing with the rest of my life. To prioritise the people that matter the most. 
And some of that starts with me.
I think I need to give myself more focus - and in that process, find more of a focus - and let some things go that are very much artifacts of my past - but feel less and less relevant in my future.

Which is a lot.
Both in a sizeable statement; and also in a great very many deal of things.

-

Which feels a little scary, and a little daunting - but what I have taken the most away from this is evening, is that even when you are battling through the waters, and your destination feels far away - you have some great people around you (that love you very much); and there are others out there - waiting for you on the other shore.

I hope to live out this metaphor a bit more; maybe even to dip my toes into unknown waters for me. And - most importantly - love myself a little more.


Some things are not too much; and I hope to carry those forward with me.

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