Afraid to Talk

This may seem like the most obvious statement in the history of anything, but conversation is the only way in which we can put across our world view.

[And by ‘world view’ I don’t just mean our philosophies/beliefs about Life, The Universe and Everything; I also mean what you thought of that episode of a TV series you watched, what you made of the food you’ve just eaten, etc.]

You could argue that there are other ways in which you can communicate - art is often cited as one such medium - but how can you communicate something without the context of words, about a piece of music/painting/sculpture etc.
Whilst I’m sure this has been attempted - a piece of music written expressly to convey a person’s feelings about another piece of music they have heard - I don’t believe that can be successful as it relies on the narrative in the composer’s head being successfully interpreted by the listener.

Now I am fully aware that even putting words around the piece of music (say in the accompanying programme) doesn’t 100% solve the communication issue, but let me come back to that later on.

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In my experience, conversation comes in two categories: Direct and Indirect. And for the sake of being obvious:

Direct is talking with someone in person, and (at a push) over the phone/over video chat, and - at a real push - via some sort of instant messenger system (What’s App, MSN, IRC, SMS, etc.)

Indirect is sending a letter, an email, replying to a blog, posting a YouTube comment, liking a Facebook post or Tweet.

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For me, the origins of a conversation are in my head. I can only assume that is the case for everyone else. And there is a very definite phenomenon of conversations in your head that converse as you expect/would like: I very often win arguments in the shower, or walking from my car into the office; or in my dreams.

And whilst I consider myself to be an intelligent individual, I am not particularly worldly-wise or socially aware; so my challenge comes when I try and put my ideas into words. Which is a bit surprising to be saying - as once upon a time I would quite happily make certain statements about the nature of reality, and other philosophical notions {I guess I still can} - but a a lot of what I want to talk about these days, involve emotions and personal things, and - as I have found - these are not as easy a conversation to have.

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I am not currently a member of the militant wing of the anti-PC brigade. But one aspect I do share from this is an uneasy feeling about being told that you can’t say certain things.
Not necessarily for the oft-given reason of ‘person X might be offended’; I think people taking offence from something is a perfectly legitimate experience.

But a general climate of fear of saying something out of place, is not a healthy environment to have a conversation. Yes, the internet is a general example of this - and unfortunately anonymity allows anyone to jump on someone’s words - but if that environment gets closer to home, then that can potentially be worse.

One of the early things my partner identified in our discussions was my apparent need to caveat things before I said them.
This was usually out of fear of saying something hurtful, or - more often than not - have something I say be heard or taken wrong, usually out of a lack of language and understanding about a situation that meant I was putting words to an idea for the very first time.

For me this is deeply rooted in my blogging style (you will note I even started this article with a caveat), and also out of bad experiences of being misconstrued in the past - often by my written word taken in the wrong manner on the internet.

So I used to be afraid of what I was saying.
And I think I still am - there have definitely been some recent examples of situations where expressing things has caused some sort of negative reaction.

And I don’t want to be afraid about putting ideas into words.

That is essentially what philosophy is; but it is also how I can begin to understand myself a bit more, and to ultimately get what I want out of life.

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I want to be able to get the ideas in my head out into the world without fear of misinterpretation - for example the always murky area of sarcasm in the written word; avoiding clichés like the plague; using words which don’t necessarily meme what I think it memes.

So - ideally - I want to put my ideas into words and not be afraid to make mistakes.

Because we all make mistakes with words. We will make mistakes with words.

And here begin the problems…

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As complicated as the English language is - it is still a shared experience within a group of individuals - the definition of words changes over time, and through different contexts.
We are not all born with an agreed dictionary definition - there isn’t even an agreed dictionary full-stop - and even if there were, we’d still have to use other words to describe what these definitions meant, and what we mean.

And - a very obvious but major point - English is not the only language! (Never mind the myriad of English dialects, regional variations, etc.); there are hundreds(?), thousands(?) of other languages that most of us do not have a universal translator for - okay maybe a few of us get by in 2 or 3 of them, but no-one can speak and understand them all.

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For me, a more important challenge - at least in the context of the English-speaking world - is categorisation.

We instinctively categorise.

That food is good for you. That person is evil. They are all board games. They look feminine. That is a typical male response. That is just what a Tory would say.

There are so many potential problems in these statements; especially out of context.

But how else do you define something you experience, without putting a definition to it?


And how can I be less afraid that by - in defining something - I am not creating unnecessary harm?

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The answer is of course, not simple.

For one thing you have to be aware of what you are saying.

And - for a whole number of reasons - certainly some of which are justifiable - you might not be aware.

For example; up until the last year or so, I had not been aware of gender-based social issues. It just wasn’t something I had encountered.
And yet now, it is something that I need to be aware of; something I wish I could be better at understanding, and something I can be a positive force for.

But yes - just an example of something I had not even thought about for the majority of my life so far; and yet now it is something I want to keep thinking about.

And can I take a further step and make other people aware of such things? Am I qualified? Am I going to be helpful in doing this?

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That is just one example of a number of things I am - on one hand - all for talking about; but - on the other hand - there is perhaps an uncertainty in my self and own knowledge/experience (or lack of), and the culture of fear of expression on the internet, that combine to make me think twice about speaking up.

And already I can hear a friend saying ‘but isn’t it the most privileged/least oppressed that have the opportunity to speak up on behalf of those less privileged/more vulnerable - as long as it is done in a respectful way?’

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As ever, this blog has already gone on far too long, and begun to ramble.

One day I hope to revisit all of these and either condense them, or - more likely - expand on a few key ones into a book.

But enough of that for now.

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Here are the remaining points of discussion I had hoped to cover:

• Is there a basic list of stuff that everyone should know about, in modern society?
• Adopting to each situation
• Forgive people for their initial mistakes
• Positively educate
• Become an ally?

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Difficult to sum up something that was originally drafted a week ago, when my brain has already moved on.

But I think I have decided that climates that discourage me from (sensitively) speaking my mind, are not healthy climates - but also that I need to get better at putting into words those things that occasionally ricochet around my brain like a rubberised jumping bean in a bouncy castle…