blog.djstead.net

Roundabouts, Roundabouts – where will they lead? Mayhap to Altringham, or on to Runnymead. With rings on her fingers and churches nearby, Time hath come to away from you fly. Badgers to this, and clungeflaps to that My arctic circle often talks with your cat. Only in Birmingham will the forsaken lie, Before the fight LANtastic, crosses the darkening sky. - MY SECRET MESSAGE TO THE WORLD [PART ONE] Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart didn’t get to where he is today by knitting designer swimwear. Neither did Beethoven. - Cake Cake Cake: It’s all about the Cake! Bishops and Wizards do so at the lake. Armitage Shanks. The Legend of She. Japanese fish in the world’s only sea. Contrary to popular tales of woe, This shark’s craving’s for a children’s show. Mayhap I’m crazy, or talking to walls; All I can see, are marble-decked halls. Cake Cake Cake: unbridled with joy. If only my cateracts didn’t beefeaters employ. - MY SECRET MESSAGE TO THE WORLD [PART TWO] What we say in life, echoes in large caves. ...

PART ONE MAN enters a shop. A LADY is behind the counter. MAN I wish to register a complaint! (with a knowing grin) Hello miss. (He suddenly realises it IS a lady, and jumps in surprise). LADY  Yes sir, how can I help? MAN   I wish to make a complaint. LADY   Certainly sir. MAN  (aside) Er, this is a pet shop isn’t it? LADY   It appears to be sir. However, you will have to excuse me; I have a cold (she sneezes. This confuses the Man even more). MAN   Never mind that, my lad, I wish to make a complaint about a parrot I bought not half-an-hour ago in this very boutique! LADY   Ah yes. The-er-Norwegian blue, wasn’t it? What was wrong with it, sir? MAN   Well. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. (conspiratorially) It wasn’t dead! That’s what’s wrong with it! LADY   Dead, sir? Why on earth would you want it dead?! MAN  I’ll tell you why, my man. Because I need it in a sketch I was doing in Bolton. LADY...

Cats! A-ah! Saviours of the universe! Cats! A-ah! They’ll save ev’ry one of us! Seemingly there is no reason for these extraordinary intergalactic upsets. Only Dr Hans Zarkov, formerly at KiteKat, has provided any explanation. What’s happening Cats? Cats! A-ah! They’re a miracle! This mornings unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm. Cats! A-ah! Kings of the impossible! They’re for ev’ry one of us Stand for ev’ry one of us They’ll save with a mighty paw, ev’ry man, ev’ry woman, ev’ry child with a mighty MIAOW! General Kala. Felix the Cat approaching. What do you mean Felix the Cat approaching?! Open fire! All weapons! Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body! Cats! A-ah! Felix’s alive! Cats! A-ah! They’ll save ev’ry one of us! Just a cat, with a cat’s courage. They know nothing but a cat. But they can never fail. No cat but the pure in heart, may find the golden grahams… Oh, oh, oh, oh. Cats! Cats! You know I love you! But we only h...

Write a monologue, they said. Jot down, on a few sides of A4, all that you think of the world. Tell us how you see things. Tell us what you feel. Tell us why, in 17 words or less, why the current political situation can be defined metaphorically as a darker shade of brown. Tell us how long it is since you last had sex. But do it discreetly. Like, as part of an innuendo, or a clever pun. When you write your monologue, they said, let it be witty. But cunning too. With a hint of danger, and……surprise! Make sure you tell a good joke. It’ll relax the audience. The humour will soften the blow of the extreme political statement later on. Although, don’t tell the one about the dwarf with learning difficulties: It’s not big, and it’s not clever. Begin to build up the pace, A monologue has to keep time. Yet, try not to lose face, By having more than one line that… …sounds like another. Develop the narrative further. This also draws the audience in. Keep them inv...

It’s a cool December morning in the busy streets of London, and I’m travelling on the tube towards my first interview for Metal Monk UK. Luckily I’m set to interview one of my favourite musicians in the world of metal – Tobias Sammet – the enigmatic front-man for Edguy – and also the brains behind most of the song writing for the band. He’s here in the UK to talk about Edguy’s new album ‘Rocket Ride’ [out in the UK on Jan 23rd] and – fortunately for us – he’s in a talkative mood! DS: First of all, thanks for taking time out to speak to us. TS: Thank you. DS: Your new album – Rocket Ride – it’s great – I love it! TS: That’s nice to hear! DS: Right from the opening – ‘Sacrifice’; quite a bold opening track – it seems to me there’s a more personal feel to the album – more so than Hellfire Club. TS: What do you mean more personal feel? DS: Well, Hellfire Club was more about the ‘freak show’, whereas this has more personal tracks like Matrix and The Asylum – part...