My Monologue

Write a monologue, they said.
Jot down, on a few sides of A4, all that you think of the world.

Tell us how you see things.
Tell us what you feel.
Tell us why, in 17 words or less, why the current political situation can be defined metaphorically as a darker shade of brown.
Tell us how long it is since you last had sex.
But do it discreetly. Like, as part of an innuendo, or a clever pun.

When you write your monologue, they said, let it be witty. But cunning too. With a hint of danger, and……surprise!

Make sure you tell a good joke. It’ll relax the audience. The humour will soften the blow of the extreme political statement later on.
Although, don’t tell the one about the dwarf with learning difficulties: It’s not big, and it’s not clever.

Begin to build up the pace,
A monologue has to keep time.
Yet, try not to lose face,
By having more than one line that…
…sounds like another.

Develop the narrative further. This also draws the audience in.

Keep them involved by mentioning topical events in a manner that shuns what they feel is bad, but also applauds what the audience agrees with.

Try not to misconstrue your monologue’s meaning.
Don’t confuse the audience with allegory.
Don’t give out any Red Herrings.
For – it is better to have loved than it is to have lost.
Yet, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Interact with your audience.
Give them a smile…
No, not like that. Like this.

If you are feeling particularly bold, hold eye contact with a beautiful woman…

Although, in your case, this will constitute a sexual harassment law suit which you will, ultimately, lose. And retire a broken man to a secluded suburban flat where you will cook a Morrison’s Meal-In-A-Box – for one – before departing on a mission to save the world!

…As secret agent 007 James Bond, on your second-hand N64.

After that, you will cry yourself to sleep.
Alone. In a world where no-one loves you.
The audience will now be at your mercy.

Feel free to put forward as many extreme ideas as you wish.

How about bringing back slavery?
Or blowing up parliament?
Either way, you’ll get a laugh.

And Now, The End Is Near.

At this point, we should mention that it is never a good idea to make popular music references in your monologue.

Because of the trivial and cheap sentimental value of “pop music”, to include such references would lower the tone of your monologue.

Indeed – the Show Must Go On without any Supersonic references to All Kinds Of Everything that not even a Seven Nation Army could Bon Jovi – Livin’ On A Prayer.

Now bring your monologue to its conclusion. Sum up what your central ideas and themes were throughout.
This is your chance to drive home something deep and meaningful to your audience.

In you final paragraph, choose words such as ‘life’ and ‘being’, along with phrases such as ‘I believe’, ‘think on this’ and ‘just remember’…

But also remind your audience of what a fun time they’ve had, listening to you drone on and on and on about a subject that only you alone truly care about, and no-one else really gives a toss.

In truth, your monologue should be about you.

For ‘I believe’ that in this ‘life’, all that matters is what is at the very centre of our ‘being’. So, ‘think on this’…
The road ahead may be clear, but it can be deceiving.
For truly:
If life is just a highway and the soul is just a car. Then objects in the rear-view mirror, may appear closer than they are.

But, ‘just remember’…

It’s Mirror, Signal, THEN Manoeuvre.