Python Sketch

PART ONE

MAN enters a shop. A LADY is behind the counter.

MAN I wish to register a complaint! (with a knowing grin) Hello miss. (He suddenly realises it IS a lady, and jumps in surprise).

LADY Yes sir, how can I help?

MAN I wish to make a complaint.

LADY Certainly sir.

MAN (aside) Er, this is a pet shop isn’t it?

LADY It appears to be sir. However, you will have to excuse me; I have a cold (she sneezes. This confuses the Man even more).

MAN Never mind that, my lad, I wish to make a complaint about a parrot I bought not half-an-hour ago in this very boutique!

LADY Ah yes. The-er-Norwegian blue, wasn’t it? What was wrong with it, sir?

MAN Well. I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it. (conspiratorially) It wasn’t dead! That’s what’s wrong with it!

LADY Dead, sir? Why on earth would you want it dead?!

MAN I’ll tell you why, my man. Because I need it in a sketch I was doing in Bolton.

LADY Bolton? Oh! You mean Notlob!

MAN (suspiciously) This is Chichester isn’t it?

LADY Retsehcihc sir? Yes it is.

MAN Only my brother, the train driver, said that this was Birmingham!

LADY Really?! You should have complained!

MAN I did! And that’s why they fired him!

LADY They didn’t.

MAN They did.

LADY They didn’t!

MAN They did!

LADY Didn’t.

MAN Did.

LADY Didn’t!

MAN Did! Look – is this an argument sketch? Coz if it is, I didn’t pay you five pounds just now for an argument. I’m here for the parrot sketch.

LADY Oh, parrot sketch?

MAN Yes.

LADY The full parrot sketch?!

MAN Yes!

LADY Oh, I’m sorry sir. You’re in the wrong sketch. This is the Incomplete Parrott Sketch. Full Parrot Sketch is room 7B.

MAN Oh. Sorry to have troubled.

LADY Not at all.



PART TWO

MAN enters an identical shop. LADY is behind the counter again, this time with a moustache. She is making every effort to appear different to the last lady.

MAN Hello. (suspicious) Miss?

LADY Yes sir, how can I help?

MAN This is the right room for the Full Parrot Sketch, isn’t it?

LADY Absolutely sir!

MAN Ah, good.

LADY Oh, unless you would like a blow job?!

MAN Er, no. I came here about the parrot.

LADY (flustered) Oh, of course you did sir! Everyone knows that!

MAN Yes (coughs) well I, er, wish to make a complaint! About the parrot I bought not half an hour ago from this very boutique!

LADY Yes, the Norwegian Blue. What’s wrong with it?

MAN I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it! It was dead! That’s what’s wrong with it!

LADY Yes sir. And?

MAN And?! Well don’t you think that’s a trifle odd? Shouldn’t it be pining for the fjords, or something like that?!

LADY Er, not if it’s dead, sir!

MAN Ah, so you admit it’s dead then!

LADY Well, yes sir.

MAN What do you mean ‘well, yes sir’?!

LADY Well, this is a Dead Pet shop, sir!

MAN (double takes) You mean this isn’t Another Pet Shop In Bolton?

LADY No sir!

MAN The man on the train was lying!

LADY Wasn’t you’re brother fired, sir?

MAN No, no, no. The OTHER man on the train. The one dressed up as a Colonel.

LADY Oh, I see sir! And what did the OTHER man on the train say, sir? The one dressed up as a Colonel.

MAN He said, that if this gets too silly, and if he hasn’t arrived by then, to shout ‘Right, that’s enough of that then, this is all getting too silly.’

LADY And?

MAN Well, do you think this is getting too silly?

LADY I really don’t know, sir. This time last week I was Man In Cheese Shop Without Any Cheese. The week before that, it was Man In Book Shop Without Any Books Written By Charles Dickens With Four M’s And A Silent Q!

MAN Oh? You should’ve tried WHSmiths!

LADY I did! They sent me back here! Anyway, I fill it in with the occasional Old Woman In A Dress Moaning A Lot, or Straight Man In Pub Being Questioned About Photography.

Things picked up a bit last week, though: I was in the Brand New Cooker Sketch.

MAN Fascinating! You were the lead, yes?

LADY Nah. Fourth Official.
Anyway, I didn’t want to do this for a living you know? Oh, no. I wanted to be… I wanted to be a –

MAN Now, wait a minute. We’ll have none of that my lad. Cross linking between sketches is strictly forbidden! You know the rules as well as I!

LADY (after a pause) So – how do we get out of this then?

MAN Out of what?

LADY This sketch!

MAN Sketch? (as if remembering something) Sketch! (looks around) Ah! Sketch!!! How do we get out of it?!!

LADY (stressed) Yes!

MAN (whispers) Use whatever you can, and head for the punchline.

LADY But… (thinks, then gets an idea) …we haven’t got a punchline!

MAN (catching on to her train of thought) Haven’t got a punchline?! Did you say we haven’t got a punchline?!

LADY Yes! We haven’t got a punchline!!!

MAN (acting) Haven’t got a punchline?! I come here for a jolly funny sort of sketch, and you tell me we haven’t got a punchline! What sort of sketch is this?!

LADY I don’t know! All I know is I’ve got to say ‘We haven’t got a punchline’! I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!!!

(pause)

They both look around expecting the Spanish Inquisition to arrive. When it becomes evident they are not going to arrive, LADY motions to the MAN that he should do the part. He eventually catches on.

MAN Ah! Aha! (runs off stage and back on again) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!!

LADY (excited) Yes, yes!

MAN (pause) No they don’t!

LADY (whisper) Go on…

MAN (whisper) I don’t know the rest!

LADY (sighs, and whispers to him) Our chief weapon is…

MAN Oh, yes! Our chief weapon is…

LADY (whisper) Fear…

MAN Fear and surprise.

LADY (whisper, slightly annoyed) Our two chief weapons are fear and surprise.

MAN Ah yes. Out two chief weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency!

LADY (even more annoyed) Our three chief weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency…

MAN …And an almost fanatical devotion to the pope!!!

LADY Oh! Forget it Cardinal Biggles! I’ll do it!

She takes his Spanish Inquisition props, runs off stage – puts them on – and runs back on again.

LADY (reciting it hurriedly) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, our chief weapon is fear. Fear and surprise. Our two chief weapons are fear…

MAN (interrupting) Look this is just silly!

LADY What?!

MAN I mean. What sort of sketch is this? It’s been silly right from the start! I wish to register a complaint!!

LADY (desperately trying to save the sketch) Well… sir. (implied) What sort of sketch would you expect from the…

BOTH (turning to face the audience) Ministry Of Silly Sketches?!

MAN (after the audience fails to laugh) That didn’t work did it…

LADY No…

MAN (now out of character) Ah, well. Cue the music.

Music. (modified Liberty Bell).

BOTH Silly Walk-off separate sides of the stage.

Blackout.