This is *Exhausting*

 

I have started writing this blog a few times.

It's had a few titles/angles - the most recent of which was 'reasons to be miserable' - and listing everything that seems to be confronting me about everything going on in the world. But I realised I'd have to research into Ian Dury's lyrics of the same title, and either re-mould to fit that style; or at least acknowledge that song - and deliberately work outside of that framework, to maintain the piece's own identity.

I'm a paragraph in, and I've already worn myself out.

Living didn't used to be like this.

I struggle to pinpoint a particular moment in time from which everything was 'downhill from here' - particularly as there are very significant exceptions that prove otherwise to that moment.

But in the summer of 2012, London hosted the Olympics, and - nationalism etc. aside - the Opening Ceremony was a genuine positive 'moment'; a highlighting of the very best of what people could be, and what they could produce. And what collaboration can achieve - on all levels.

Written in jest and awe at the time; but Rowan Atkinson really did win the Olympics, in that moment.

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And since then?

Well, let's start with a few, but very important exceptions to the decline:

Relationships

I have had two wonderful romantic relationships since then. 

One helped me embrace the notion of Ethical Non-Monogamy ('ENM') - the other became my longest relationship to date, and took me on some wonderful adventures.

Both - now ended - forged some excellent friendships that I hope will remain for years to come - and confirmed my belief that 'ENM' makes the most sense for me.

Aside from romantic relationships, I have developed my friendships with some good and important people; and continue to do so where time affords the opportunity for us both.

30th Birthday

That was a really fun thing to setup and host; Monty Python; a quiz; a little film of my own; having most of my nearest and dearest in the same place - oh and a ridiculously crafted playlist, that ended up being heavily edited due to time!

As a heads' up - I won't be celebrating my 40th birthday - however, my 42nd birthday may well require your attention...

Magic: The Gathering

Both online in recent years; but also in-person when that was still a thing. A game that was revived for me by a few Leeds friends; I've been fortunate enough to travel to both Copenhagen and Stockholm off the back of Magic the Gathering tournaments - and I do plan to try and resume this this year (I'm looking at you Paris).

It's not something I take super-seriously - it is not my main obsession, unlike some - but it has to be acknowledged that most days in the thick of the pandemic, you could find me on MTG Arena, or watching CovertGoBlue on YouTube.

Guardianship

How could I not include the arrival of ERJ into this world, and indeed my appointment as one of her Guardians. Ever since I have endeavoured to visit and support them from afar; and - more recently - spent a weekend (thank you again Mai-ana!) looking after her whilst her three parents had a seemingly somewhat appreciated(!) weekend away.

I have even committed to another 3 weekends over the course of a year, to help them out in person once more, letting one or two of them have the weekend off.

Robin Hood Pantomime

It would be remiss of me not to mention probably my most comprehensive creative experience in recent years; writing, directing and producing [yes, those are three specific things!] my Robin Hood pantomime at CADS.

I'm not going to quote the whole of the bee speech to you (you've all suffered enough); but it was a really fun and rewarding experience, that took over basically two years of my life!

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These are all by no means the only exceptions - I have, by and large, enjoyed a privileged relationship with the outside world - and I am in need of very little financial/social support.

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However.

These days seem to be a never-ending trail of potential arguments:

• Roe vs Wade [it's potential revocation announced the day I began this latest draft]
• Trans rights
• Brexit fallout
• War in Ukraine
• Global pandemic still on-going
• Cost of living crisis
• UK Government's trail of destruction, with seemingly no accountability
• Democracy's continued decline
• Twitter's potential new ownership decisions
• House stuff - noisy neighbours; the lack of decent/viable alternatives on Rightmove
• Work stuff - lack of leadership/long-term clarity

I could go on.

Now; the Ministry of Ginger was setup as a mechanism to work these things through. I don't mean to resolve them - many are unresolvable; certainly by me! - but to process all of the above through the 'framework' that the MoG affords.

But that is a lot of effort. And, seemingly, constant effort.

At the moment, I just don't have the energy/brain power to combat all of the above. Or even some of these.

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A slight digression; back in late November 2021 I think it was, my gaming PC died. 'Oh no; not having a secondary computer for gaming; how terrible' I hear you mock cry!

And - to be fair - gaming is not central to my life; so much so that for the next 5 months or so I 'did fine without it'.

Though, on gaining a replacement (thanks Areck!), I realised that not having a gaming PC I could shuffle into my spare bedroom [away from the noisy neighbour's heavy bass dance music...], and - more importantly - switch off parts of my brain, and focus on something trivial.

But I think the point to this aside is that I do really benefit from switching off from a few things.

See also: being outside, away from the city.

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Now, a part of me doesn't want to disengage from lots of things on the list above. I don't necessarily mean fighting around all of the points - but I have (historically) taken the view that the world is meant to be engaged with - in all it's forms - that is central to living. Central to being human.

And, again, I don't mean being particularly activist on the above either - I admire those that are, but am lacking the self-motivation in myself to be so - but I mean at least being aware, and acknowledging of everything that is going on in the world.

A little bit of everything, all of the time; to borrow a Bo Burnham phrase...

But now, part of me is also saying that maybe I should disengage. Not totally disengage - this is not a cry for help right now - but to just step back from so much of the outside world that is currently winning my attention.

Because what I have realised recently, is that there is not too much to me as a person at the moment. Filling out dating profiles is a bit of a reminder of this: What exactly is it that I do? What are my true interests? What are my true hobbies? What indeed are my skills; my raison d'etre?

Right now, I don't have those answers. And I'm keen to find them out.

So, bear with me; keep on keeping on, and I'll see you in the future.