I Don't Know What To Do
There's nothing like watching a fresh video from Philosophy Tube in the bath, to bring you down in times like these.
Not because the content of the video was particularly depressing - as ever the topics are lit up with Ollie's infectious whimsical spin; and the eventual conclusion is that - yes, the universe is a dark meaningless void; but by being creative you are directly rebelling against that.
And I like rebellion.
Have I mentioned that I have created an entire creative framework in which to challenge the absolute fundamentals of society?
In fact I spent this morning drafting the first annual financial report from the Department of the Treasury (aren't you all excited?!), which tickles both the MoGian heart of my operation, and the excel nerd within me.
But even this leaves me a little lost.
Rebellion is typically against the status quo, and the status is most certainly not 'quo' these days.
Which is news to absolutely nobody reading this in all but the early days of 2020. (Guys do you remember January?! Do you remember having plans?!)
Which leaves me with a morass of things that I should be giving my attention to. Not limiting myself to:
- A handful of Whatsapps awaiting my response and/or input
- A private tweet of a friend, inviting further thought
- Several loads of washing - both clothes and dishes
- Entertaining, but draining options available to me on Netflix
- Longer term planning for both my kitchen and bathroom
- Hope of a Dungeons & Dragons immersement
- The organised archiving of several albums worth of genuine analogue photographs
- The dismantling of Capitalism, whilst living in a capitalist economy
- Watching Das Boot
And I am not asking for sympathy here.
I'm not even opening this up to discuss the already-out-there blogs decrying people saying "great! lockdown! time to get creative!" - unless you are in a comfortable personal space (or not realised the severity of your situation), I don't think being outwardly creative is particularly feasible right now.
Don't get me wrong - if you've got that drive right now; go for it! I hope it endures for you.
I just don't have that particular energy in my life right now; and I don't know when it is going to come back.
Which is not to say I'm trying; today I'm trying out making this blog to see if it leads me anywhere.
At the same time, I feel quite empty of intelligent thought - watching the Philosophy video reminds me very often that people are much more read than I am; my personal expertise is those few rounds of pub quizzes where I know just a bit more than others, which makes myself seem clever; along with late 90s/early 2000s European heavy metal.
But the only things of substance are what I have already put out on the web - but not explored further - and a handful of started-but-far-from-completed projects that adorn the bottom-right-hand-corner of my whiteboard.
In Normal Time (as I am sure Peacetime up to March 2020 should surely be re-branded), I would draw on energy from friends, partners, family, colleagues; to drive me forward in my creative endeavours.
Now, in Uncertain Time; it is difficult to identify exactly where that energy will come from.
And it is not like there is a diversity of situations at the moment - in Normal Time, someone with a bit more energy than you could initiate a sort of energy exchange to top you back up - and you would reciprocate when their personal circumstances were the reverse.
But - and (I like this sentiment) whilst we are not all in the same boat; we are still all weathering the same storm - so it feels much more difficult to see where that energy is going to come from - or indeed motivate yourself to create it yourself.
I make this post out of hungry curiosity as to what energy is left out there, and if anyone has found a way to tap into it, and make use of it.
At the same time; I am fed, I am watered, I am broadly healthy, and I still have the privileges of living available in my geography and social arena.
I'm just missing something, beyond missing my partner, friends and family; and I'd like to close out the blog with some sort of eloquent phrase that alludes to what that something is.
But that too eludes me.
Included as it was playing for a large chunk of the time I spent writing this...