Self-ish Thinking













2016 has truly been a sobering year.

But for me, this has meaning beyond the standard aphorism - 2016 was a sobering year, with the added kicker that I hadn’t even realised I had been drunk.

Allow me to explain…

[WARNING: This post deals with personal death and a whole load of other features of 2016 that - frankly - have no right to be ruining your Christmas spirit.]

-

One of my favourite tropes in films and books is the ‘Loss of Innocence’. Off the top of my head, Almost Famous, the Chronicles of Narnia, are two examples that deal with that emotional transition.

This typically takes the form of the beginnings of sexual discovery, or the realisation of responsibilities that you previously never had.

I guess ordinarily this lasts into your twenties by which point you have been given most of the traditional ‘adult’ education you need - certainly from an academic point of view [bar further education], but also from a social ‘finding your feet’ perspective, and also in the guise of basic financial responsibility.

Normally speaking, anyway. [Insert usual discussion around what constitutes ‘normal’ etc.]

Normality assumed; I think there are further stages of loss of… something. Almost a peeling back layers of protection over your eyes, allowing you to see things as they may truly be.

Whilst I have always been a cynical and rational being - and therefore I have always held into question the outside world; the concepts contained therein; and the big philosophical questions - I can’t exactly claim to have thoroughly held myself to account.

And by that I mean I am not certain I have held myself to the same level of interrogation I apply to the objective world. Possibly out of a fear of realising I don’t exactly exist either - and therefore I would disappear in a puff of logic - but probably more out of a fear of realising a few things about myself.

Which began to change in 2016; often as a result of some not-so-pleasant events either in my own life, or in the terrifying world at large.

And here is a brief year-end-review-type opening up to these things:

-

Gender

I have been fortunate enough to get to know a few people that have taught me about gender identity.

And, for a time, I thought I understood. I thought I had got to grips with personal pronouns (for example); and realised that topics such as these can’t be abstractly rationalised - they are born out of personal emotion and feeling; and unless I have a direct affinity for those feelings; I am in no place to pass comment, other than by respecting the wishes of those that don’t identify as one of the ‘normal’ binary genders.

And I thought I got that. Oh I thought.

As it turns out, a lot of my understanding was in fact just a lip service to the unfamiliar use of ‘they’ and despite repeated assumptions made by myself that I had now understood and correctly used people’s pronouns; a series of upsetting events in which I - frankly - hurt a close friend’s feelings, and almost irreparably damaged a friendship built on trust and understanding.

This has been one of my regrets of 2016, and something I have not had the emotional intelligence to handle nor to make right. I know I have learned something, but fear it might be that I am not deserving of some of the friendships I have had.

I hope to change this in 2017, but I need to give this and myself some proper attention in this regard.

-

Relationships

The year brought to an end my only relationship so far.

Well, there is some exaggerated drama in that phrase; what is more accurate to say is that the nature of our relationship changed - fortunately.

Whilst it was an ultimately sad and educational end to things; we have remained friends and - after a reflective period of a few months - we have hung out with each other in various guises, and - in what felt the most important aspect of my first polyamorous relationship - I am incredibly happy that I have been able to maintain my good friendship with both my ex’s husband, and friendships with her other partners, and the rest of the poly family.

We were also involved in quite a surreal day earlier in the year, which was in fact filmed but may not see the light of day (we’re not sure). Another story for another day, perhaps.

And whilst I can say for certain that my only relationship so far in my life has been an overwhelmingly positive experience; I can also only say it has been my only relationship so far in my life: I still suffer from envy of others that are fortunate enough to be in relationships; and for everyone that has what feels like a ‘head start’ in the world of relationships, by starting them much earlier than I did.

I think if there are opportunities for me to explore the various worlds of relationships, I will gladly take them in the new year.

-

Politics

At a time when America’s future policies are condensed into 140 character farts, and the notion of Brexit is still a really bitter joke for many of us - I can honestly say that the political world has truly been a watershed moment for me this year. It is something I have been able to dismiss in my past - as an indicator of my privilege (see next section) - but [assuming we don’t all get nuked in early 2017 ~ Ed.] politics is something I really cannot ignore any longer.

My dream of having government as being the mechanism through which people are - as a priority - cared for equally, without prejudice - is clearly a absurd fantasy. Agenda is king; spin is king; media is king; you’ve got to have an angle.

The political establishment is something I have struggled to reconcile with over the years, but it turns out my definition of democracy is wrong - just like it turned out my definition of anarchy was wrong a number of years ago.

So plans are afoot for things to change in this arena; coming early 2017.

-

Privilege

I almost hate to use the phrase “middle-class straight cis white British male privilege” because it sounds like a buzzword that anyone who fits that identify instantly rolls their eyes at and switches off.

And anyone who falls into that category - which does indeed include myself - treads on the thinnest of ice when making any complaint about their circumstance [and rightly so].

But if you wish to indulge me - I do have a problem. And that problem is perspective:

I would guess I am in the top few percent of the world’s population in terms of social ‘status’, wealth, tangible rights, health, etc. etc. - I have a [tenuously] steady job; I have a mortgage; I am comfortable in terms of my day-to-day living - I don’t live hand to mouth; I am rich in both friends and family. Things are ‘all good’.

But because I am none of the Venn diagram that does not cover ‘middle-class straight white British male’, I am not understanding enough to appreciate what that entails; I just know it is something I need to be sensitive to.

But everything, just about everything, that has been thrown at the world this year; I have been able to go ‘well thank goodness for X, or for Y, otherwise I would be suffering to’; and that is not truly a comfortable reality to inhabit. But if I continue to inhabit it - what should I be doing? What can I be doing? From my position of privilege, I have to use that for good.

And I mustn’t forget that.

-

Death

In the spirit of how 2016 just about began, I am compelled by the universe to talk a little about death.

It wouldn’t surprise me if everyone reading this lost someone who was an inspiration to them this year; in most cases someone famous - but unfortunately more so, there are some of us who lost someone very close.

I was no exception when my Grandma died in late September this year.

I had planned to talk more about this experience at some point (and I maybe still will one day) - as this is a process we will all go through at some points I am afraid; and the narrative of it all was really quite morbidly fascinating. Literally.

But just to say that the experience of being the only other person in the room when somebody dies is a strange - yet unflinchingly commonplace (I would guess?) - occurrence, and gives absolute credence to my understanding and belief that death is indeed the end of that person’s personal existence (sorry mum!); even if their life lives on in others, through their treasured belongings, our memories of them; or perhaps an album of their music.

Death is the only certainty in our world, and perhaps because it is the only fight we cannot win, we tend to either not give it the time of day in conversation - or we pretend that it can’t possibly happen to us - yes to other people - but not to us.

And whilst I don’t intend to reflect on my own mortality more than strictly necessary; it is something I have to acknowledge; if only to spur me on to achieve all the things that, generally speaking, are best done whilst still alive…

=

There is a LOT in the above that I am continuing to think about, and trying to understand more about myself. So if any of it comes across as misinformed - that’s because it probably is. Which isn’t to excuse it necessarily - I am simply using this blog to set my thoughts lose from my head in order to save some space for one or two more calming experiences over the holidays.

-

This has not been the easiest of years to contend with, but I thank my luckiest of stars that I feel comfortable enough in myself that I can post this to my social media where there are people who know me, will read this, and will even respond in some form or kind.

But it is enough to know that it is out there, and off my chest - so to speak - not just a ragbag collection of thoughts in my head, but something real that can serve as a reminder to myself of who I once was, and how that helped me become who I want to be.

Thank you to everyone who knows and appreciates me.

I will see you in 2017 x

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

#DemocracyIsBroken

Farthest From Home

A Thing Isn’t Beautiful Because It Lasts