Hello Blogness My Old Friend
I used to think that loneliness was next to godliness.
And by that I am referring to my philosophical foundations of ultimately being alone; and being true to that reflection of existence. Because - ultimately - yours is the only life you truly experience, so everything else is a pleasant bonus.
What this waffling actually meant was that I would be happiest alone, weaving an existence that flitted between hobbies/interests/friendship groups and I felt safe and secure.
I think looking back that serenity was in part down to having a stable friendship group, but only needing good friends and nothing ‘more’.
That started to change four years ago now, when the idea of forming a more direct close relationship with another person, not only became appealing, but it became part of my emotional make-up.
For the first time in my life, the desire to be part of something with a specific other person ruled my decisions and - at times - every waking thought.
Of course the reality of human relationships soon kicked in; the truth is there is no other single person that can be your ‘yin to your yang’, ‘the one’, the [insert countless other metaphors]; why? Because they will never experience life from your worldview.
Yes, you can share that worldview with them and in the luckiest of cases, they will get it. And they will share theirs; and you will get it too. But live it/breathe it 24/7? It’s just not possible. You don’t exist in the same space-time (I guess you just get close enough so you can hardly see the gap).
So my initial ideas about relationships were based on this.
And I decided I would never have a one-on-one relationship with someone because I ultimately knew the lie would be living - you can’t possibly ‘become one’, so why bother?
All of this was said laconically because, as you might have noticed; a lot of people do bother. In fact it seems to be the number one occupation of most humans on this planet.
And for a long time I reasoned ‘why?!’. Ultimately they are not the same person, so logically speaking they have no ultimate benefit to it. Why bother?
And then of course I fell in love. Or, more accurately - less Richard Curtis-y; I had an unexplained emotional response to someone I had become friends with, and - for reasons my brain will never understand in a million years - I couldn’t stop thinking about that person.
These thoughts changed of course when that someone explained that they didn’t feel the same way; and in that moment I knew that was the case, and also knew the single greatest flaw of having emotional feelings as an individual - there are no guarantees they will be returned/matched/reciprocated. (As an hippyish aside; there is one person who can give that guarantee - yourself; so don’t neglect that relationship).
Of course this changed again more recently when I met Emily, and took my first steps into the world of Polyamory: Not just a relationship framework that allows you to have multiple relationships, just like you have multiple friendships - but a framework that allows for the shortcomings of a singular existence.
That nagging thought that only you can truly and directly experience your worldview, so attempting to merge two worldviews into one won’t work - well that’s fine. Your polyamorous partner(s) are not the ‘yin to your yang’ anyway; they (by numerical definition) are not ‘the one’. In certain scenarios they might well be ‘the bottom to your top’, but that’s a whole other story…
Where did this blog start from?
Well it was the thought that I used to be most comfortable ‘on my own’; yes spending time with great friends, but I always had a ‘default setting’ of being on my own - living on my own - going it alone.
The truth of that these days is that I’m less of that mindset now. And I’m trying to figure out why.
I still see how existence is ultimately a solitary one; the philosophical logic is faultless - but that does not account for the emotional charge that now seems to be a part of who I am.
And, frankly, not having a logical ability to control that emotion scares me at times.
I know how to get a handle on logical me; even when that logic takes me to the darkest places of reality. But getting a handle on emotional me; that is something I am only really starting out to do.