I Have Changed

Now those of you familiar with the irrefutable laws of the universe will know that it is impossible to do nothing but change, but I’m being a bit more narrative than that.

The other week I was reading a blog from a few years ago*; in which I reflected on my accident a year on, and what had changed. And what I remarked on at the time was how there was no overwhelming feeling of ‘OMG MY LIFE HAS CHANGED’: In many ways, it was not a life-changing event. Not that I took what happened lightly; there were no long-lasting effects - either physically (thankfully!) or otherwise.

What did start to change were my emotional faculties. Around the same time, I went through an experience akin to falling in love, which questioned my logical approach to - well - everything. And therein lies the roots of my change.

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Let’s back-track a bit:

Around age 14 I had begun to question everything, and establish ideas centrally to my philosophy. Whilst at the time this was a fun and exciting few years - exploring the possibilities of logic and concepts - it was a natural conclusion from my thought processes that other-human-contact was a secondary level of experience in a self-ish world-view.

Ultimately you can argue a strong defence by claiming a single point at the focus of an universe (the single point is you), and the impossibility that no other life-form can inhabit the same spacetime as you, and so cannot truly experience what you experience.

As one of my favourite lyrics of the time said; “You may know what I am, but who I am you don’t know.”

That is still a logically defensible position.

But, aye, here’s the rub; logic isn’t everything.

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Now I guess most people have figured this out already. In fact I guess quite a few people start from the other end - emotionally driven, occasionally having to resort to logic for some reasoned decisions.

So I’m not going to spend much time pointing out something that has been patently obvious to people for centuries.

But what is key is that it wasn’t made obvious to me until a few years ago.

Until a chain of events that began in February 2012, when I had strong emotional feelings for one of my friends, and I literally felt something I had never felt before.

Here began the change; the emotional highs of possibility, the emotional lows of rejection and subsequent jealousy. When quite clearly my logical mind knew what was occurring, and saw no immediate logical threat; my emotions took charge of my experiences for a sustained amount of time, and took control of my decisions, my direction, and my future.

Spinning forward a few years, I have diverted my interests into Amateur Dramatics - a comforting relic from both my childhood and my university years - and I found myself a part of a new community, and a sense of belonging that had slowly ebbed since the Oceancrew Years [a deliriously happy time with all sorts of Metal-related friends, fun, music, mayhem and kittens].

And what I have begun to realise and acknowledge is the fact that everything changes.

Not all at once; not even noticeably; but there have been changes - you see it more in other people; obvious things like relationship status changes, new things in lives; children, pets, houses - and sometimes the changes are subtle and nuanced, so that if you are particularly wound up in things, you might not notice until you take a step back and look.

In particular the latter applies to myself. And the last eight or nine months for sure.

What I have begun to explore is who I am, emotionally speaking.

Which sounds all hippy lovey-dovey type nonsense, none of which my logical side has the time for. But that really has taken a back seat recently.

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Change is inescapable - the people in my life are changing; some of you are becoming more prominent; some of you are - through neither my fault or yours - living your own lives and our paths don’t cross as much so more.

Which sounds sad, but when we then make the concerted effort to make time for ourselves, maybe only once or twice a year - that time together feels more focussed, more special. We can reminisce, we can shoot the breeze, and we can share some of our precious time together.

But we can also be honest and true to the nature of how we relate to each other; by recognising change in others, we don’t just assume that people’s lives stop and start from the points we last see each other - we realise that every single person is living 24/7 - and if they have enough sense, their focus in their lives is firstly themselves.

You’re the only person you spend the whole of your life with.

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So I think I have gotten more selfish in recent times; my thoughts have been more about myself than others. Which is strange to say; that does not mean I don’t care for my friends and family - that would be a ridiculous notion as far as I hope many of you know - but it does mean that I am now counterbalancing over a decade of friend-focussed-creativity {for example: I don’t think I’ll be making another Monastery of Sound CD for a while}, with an exploration of my new-found world of experiences.

I hope to see as many of you as possible along the way; I have always treasured the time we have had together. Something I beg to continue; I just don’t know quite how and in what form.

This has been a strange, meandering blog (when aren’t they ever?); but just to finish by saying that I’m still here; I’m still Dan; I just might not be quite the same as you remember - for I have changed.

But, in at least some ways, haven’t we all?

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* I don’t habitually re-read my blogs by the way - but this was just something that happened to come to mind at the time

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So immediately after I posted this blog, my Google Play music library went random and this track came up. I think it is a great soundtrack for what I’m feeling right now. :o)