To Be Honest

As my component parts began to awake from their slumber this morning, the prevalent stream of consciousness in my head at the time, resulted in a three part tweet on Twitter – which is usually an albeit fleeting way in which I make comment on something about my life experience that I feel is worth noting.

Without the luxury of being able to travel back in my experience and reacquaint myself with the particular frame of mind I was in this morning (FYI that’s impossible), I am left to try and retrospectively analyse what on earth I was on about.

And here’s my theory (my theory that it is):

‘Honesty is the best policy’, they say.

[Now who ‘they’ are is oft debated in these pseudo-witty asides, but on this occasion I think we’ll just assume that ‘they’ are the collective wisdom of localised experience in social interactions. Or Donald & Simone if you prefer.]

My 3 tweets started off talking about a ‘social window’ in which to be open with friends. This was less about being out and out honest with them – and more about working out how you approach particular areas of discussion. The night before I had been with a group of friends and I guess I wanted to talk to some of them about some things, but as it was a social gathering, it wasn’t the right sort of time and place to do so [obvious solution – organise a suitable time and place to do so - got it]. So instead we had a very amicable evening shooting the breeze as they say, talking about this and that and everything and nothing in particular. Classic Tuesday nights.

I suppose because last night there wasn’t an opportunity to talk about a few things (because they’re about specific stuff that a) didn’t feel like casual evening banter, b) wasn’t stuff I wanted to offer up ‘for group discussion’), I was then wondering about – generally – how do people go from vague acquaintance with someone, through to talking to them all about your most intimate and special thoughts.

Obviously everyone you know gets put on a sliding scale – usually based on instinctive trust and how ‘close’ you are – so you talk about the most challenging stuff (if you’re lucky) with one or two key friends; then the next level of maybe work/financial/general social problems with a ‘brain trust’ to borrow from Scrubs; then the next level of common shared experiences – music, films, food (ha!), theatre, etc. etc. etc.

Without even perhaps realising it, everyone (I think) could say for each of their friends what they would and would not be comfortable talking to them about. That just seems to be a thing that is.

So – honesty?

For presumably obvious reasons (and I’m not just talking about the Socially Awkward Penguin factor!), you don’t just go up to someone and say ‘Hi I’m Dan, and I’d really like to talk to you about my deepest sexual fantasies’; or ‘Hello, I’m Dan, and I need your advice on forming a deep and meaningful relationship with someone else I have just met’.

Both of these are ‘jumping the gun’ to put it mildly – because we can’t directly share in each other’s universe, we gradually edge closer to people that attract us (in all ways – through sense of humour, musical taste, sure sometimes physical appearance, underlying personality, but in all ways we are attracted to people that we like) and edge closer and closer, until – sometimes – you get stung and recoil further. Others you march right up to their front door, exchange a hearty handshake and are firm friends for ever. And so many other permutations (some people are more or less confident or socially malleable than others, and get through these processes quicker or slower).

Anecdotally, the quickest way to tell if you like someone (in whatever respect) is by being open and honest with them. Okay so there is usually a few initial rounds of pretense (for example obeying local social protocol at a gathering) before there is a shared experience which just triggers something and you each know ‘we’re going to get along just fine’ at which point you very rapidly start exploring each other’s boundaries/likes/dislikes/muppet impressions/predilection for cotton candy etc.

But there is always a limit to how far you go with someone.

Which as a sentence feels wrong to write - why should there be limits? Well, there does have to be a respecting of boundaries - hopefully people know when they do cross into another person’s comfort zone - if you are in a good relationship, you will point that out straight away, or even relax a bit further and welcome that person further 'in’ to your world.

But there are always limits.

Which is exactly why even my closest friends don’t know everything about me [er, I’m not going for a dramatic reveal by the way - I’m just saying that as a matter of logical fact] - in the same way that even your closest friends don’t know *that* thing about you.

So what is wrong with being utterly open with people?

On the face of it - nothing. As a few people have commented in response to my tweets; being open with your friends is the best way of telling how good your relationship is, on whatever level.

I get this. That’s why on Tuesday nights; hell even on Facebook/Twitter, I express exactly what I’m feeling at that moment - again, when it feels like that moment is something worth noting. Even if there is a risk that something I say might not be taken in the way it was intended - I’m comfortable in myself with my variety of friends to talk/brain fart as I do.

If you asked me a question (there is that feature you know on this website!), I would answer it as truthfully as I felt comfortable.

Yet, I would still censor at some point - probably further past the point than most - but there would still be some retention. Partly because the context of the internet is hugely open to interpretation (there isn’t a direct enough feedback, in the same way you get in IRL conversation), and partly because we do still self-censor.

I’m trying to avoid a big cheesy conclusion of “and I guess that is part of what love is all about - being completely honest with another person”, because I would be only paraphrasing something I read or saw, and not speaking from the heart of experience.

But there is a definite appeal to that ideology.

There is an element of frustration at some times in my life, that I can only get so far in my honesty, and sometimes it isn’t far enough.

What’s stopping me you ask? Well, I guess the fear that if I am too honest with even the closest of my friends, I would drive them further away.

Which - technically - yes if you subscribe to the idea that finding out your true friends through honesty is the best way, that is all fine.

But I do know that when I am completely honest with myself, there is no escaping the ultimate truth of life, which is singularly bleak.

-

You have to be dishonest with yourself sometimes to enjoy the world around you.

-

Boy that escalated quickly - and I didn’t plan for it to!

So here’s a cheery thing instead, which will always make me grin :-)