Death is Coming!

A few nights ago in London, I got lucky.

Well, okay, not that lucky – but I did get up close and intimate with a celebrity…

That (lucky?) person was Simon Amstell, performing a warm-up gig for recording his DVD in Dublin in the near future: I got lucky by buying the very last ticket; I got up close by braving the front row; and intimate because – well, quite frankly, a lot of his material hit home.

There was no mention of his Popworld/Buzzcocks history (through which I’m sure many of you know of him) – instead we got a raw insight into “the real Simon Amstell”, as twee and sickeningly OK Magazine that sounds.

He took us through the embarrasement of approaching his first until-then-secret crush in a shop, and – instead of communicating in the usual manner that ‘normal people’ seem to achieve so well – he yelled out their full name across the shop, and – having gone that far – could only proceed to communicate with them even louder.

He introduced us to his overtly Jewish family – and how a mis-assumption about why his brother’s fiance was absent from his diabetic grandpa’s 80th birthday party, caused an almighty ruckus when he brought this up in passing – ultimately causing his grandpa to burst into floods of tears; partly because of the arguments that broke out, and partly because he couldn’t eat the enormous birthday cake.

He also introduced the over-arching concept of pulling the universe of ideas into reality – and how this doesn’t often work out the way you think it would: He revisited the shouting-at-his-first-love-in-a-shop tale, pointing out how that didn’t go how these things go in our heads. And he cited this concept as precisely the reason why, when he went to see Sarah Silverman in London, and he went backstage and found out that Keanu Reeves was there – when he was offered the chance to meet him; he didn’t take it.

He felt that if the actual event of him meeting Keanu Reeves happened in his world, it wouldn’t go the way as how it might in his head – as he’d found out when attempting to make pleasent conversation with his crush in the shop, and it came out all wrong.

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I should point out that all of this was hilarious, and I am just terribly bad at relaying comedy to people.

However – the moment that killed me the most, was shortly after he disclosed that, after sex, the only thing he could think of saying to his partner (rather than the world of romantic possibilities you see in fiction, in films etc.), was “well done”.

He stressed this wasn’t his catchphrase.

Then, when talking to a couple down the row from me, he joked that, whilst their relationship was 7 years old (although they were “now paying him £17 each to remind themselves what laughter felt like…”), it would end eventually; that death is coming.

Oddly (although not that odd if you are into your black humour), that got a laugh: It got an even bigger laugh from me (and everyone else!) when he yelled “Death is coming!” three times at the couple, paused, and declared “That’s my catchphrase.”

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Like I say, I can’t ‘tell ‘em like they did’, but I assure you – this moment of staring the harsh reality of life, truthfully in the face, was really very funny indeed.

And this got me thinking… {he said in a suspiciously pre-fabricated segue into the second half of the article}

Death is life’s only certainty.

This has two associated points:

1. This can be used as a good argument against suicide – why bring closer the only thing you know for certain anyway (that you are going to die), and waste the intervening time that you would have had, otherwise spent doing anything else. In fact; if death is the one thing you have no control over, and the rest of your life is entirely within your hands; suicide is a complete reversal of that – you gain control over your ultimate end – but lose all power over what else could happen next
2. People aren’t wearing enough hats. It has been quoted before (Meet Joe Black being a recent example, of something that must be a long-established-phrase) that there are two things in life – death and taxes: I think a review of reality would surely show that (for the super-rich at least) this is certainly not entirely the case.

As part of my human nature, I haven’t really thought about death that much.

I’ve been indirectly involved with it of course; both through family members passing on, and – less emotionally so – via the news channels and suchlike.

Other than by taking direct action, however, it’s the one thing we can be fairly uncertain about. And Amstell’s advice (taken from a Yoda-esque taxi driver) is to not get hung up on it; you can’t do anything about it.

Which is all very well being said in a light-hearted discourse in a Soho theatre; or whimsically typed out here – but, in practice, I think death hangs over a lot of our lives:

• We know that we have a rough timeline on Earth
• In fact, by the time we’ve realised this, we’ve probably already used up a quarter of that time
• There are certain blueprints for ‘living’, often lain down by our parents or peers – find someone, marry them, buy a house, have kids, retire and enjoy what you’ve got left of it all
• In order to fund these ambitions (apart from the ‘purest’ – finding love), we must earn a living – often by conventional means – to earn enough to achieve the steps in our ‘life journey’
• By assuming we’ll be dead at (say) 80, you start to plan out your life – marry at 30; house & kids on their way by 35; be finally rid of them by 60; enjoy a few twilight years at work; and then retire to your dream home (hopefully still with your spouse) and await the end [well, okay, look forward to coffee mornings, baking cakes, entertaining grandchildren etc.]

Do we think that if we don’t achieve all, or even some, of these targets, we’ll have ‘failed’ by the time death comes to us?

I’m beginning to think so.

What’s missing in my life, in particular, is a fearful recognition of the ultimate power death does hold over me.

Maybe it’s a residue of my Catholic upbringing; maybe it’s Maybelline.

All I know, is that I don’t currently fear the reality of death happening to me one-day (although hopefully not soon – just enough time in the future for it not to worry me); so I don’t have a defined view of what I want to do with me life: It doesn’t seem under threat in particular, so I have no reason to really take a think about what the hell I am doing with it.

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Which all seems an odd state of mind, that I suspect i’m not alone with.

Here we are, a collective brain the size of a planet, and we don’t realise a) how lucky we are to actually exist, and b) how limited our existence is – and so we should treasure every second.

As Amstell would put it – we really should stop spending so much of our time dwelling on what has already happened (the certain things); stop spending so much of our time worrying about the things we can’t change (death is coming, electricity bills); and explore the curious world of Going Out There And Trying Stuff Out Until You Find Something You Really Enjoy.

Well, okay, his show concludes ‘Do Nothing’, but I think that is mis-interpreting his (and my) ultimate point:

You inhabit your own wonderful universe. It looks out into other people’s universes, and shares some common themes – but ultimately you are the only person who can truly experience whatever you pluck from ‘outside’ and experience for yourself.

Now if I could just contract a lengthy-but-terminal disease and free myself of a base reliance on generating funds directly, I would be all set…