The Disconnect

 I have always thought that I have been a thoughtful person.

And I think what I mean by that is that I would try and be considerate of others, and respectful of others, and have often acted to make people feel at ease as possible in my company, whilst not straying too far from my central ideals about life and how to exist as a person.

I wouldn't suffer fools - although I probably wouldn't directly challenge them, just remove myself from the situation - but I would always be trying to be the one that people can get along with in a social situation - usually making jokes (often self-deprecating), and ever-so-subtly reminding everyone present that life is quite a surreal experience, and doesn't have to be taken completely seriously.

I feel like these qualities are admirable in many respects; I don't feel much of my behaviour in the past has been particularly damaging to others' wellbeing (I'd hope not for sure in the long term!), and I feel like I spent the vast majority of my twenties and thirties mixing well within the social circles I kept; avoiding confrontation where possible - whilst not losing my identity; and overall I don't think I regret much from those two decades.

However, I also now feel disconnected from that person that I was.

I don't mean this in a trauma-inducing sudden change, sense. But I no longer feel directly connected to the person that I was in my twenties and thirties; back when I was pretty convinced that I had figured out the absurdity and drifting point of life; and I found myself keeping company with many folk who shared a similar worldview; or simply similar tastes in music and other culture too.

And I absolutely do not regret any of that - I am delighted that a number of folk from those decades remain connected to me in some ways - but I cannot shake the feeling that has pervaded me this last year or so - that those years are now behind me; and it doesn't feel like I'll ever be able to reengage with the world in the ways that I did.

Which is definitely unsettling; it's a feeling that I have often; but also I don't feel particularly sad about this - I think I just sometimes feel a bit adrift or lost from that person that I once was.

There are some key reasons for this disconnect, I think.

For one, I have a relationship with a partner that has transformed my worldview, around how isolated I felt I could once be (and was even very comfortable with that reality I had perceived). Now I cannot imagine a world without them being a very active part in it; and sharing many aspects of our lives over the coming decades. Probably for obvious reasons, this feels really great; albeit it new and perspective-changing.

For two, I have become more thoughtful. Or perhaps thoughtful in different ways. Since developing Project Chrysalis, and evolving that into The Year of the Dan; I have put myself more prominent in my considerations of how I spend my time - and, currently, who I spend that with.
This was born out of needing to prioritise my own needs and mental health for a while (a balance with other people's needs that I am still trying to find the balance point on); and just realising that as people grow and develop their own lives - as I absolutely understand and support people in doing so! - the Venn diagram of our lives overlapping have naturally pulled further apart than perhaps was as evident before. [Possibly a little 'helped' by the focus that the pandemic has given to how we spend our time, and who we spend our time with]. And where there is a mutual reduction in gravitational orbits to one another, there I have found space and time for myself increasing.

I still hold a list of concepts (IE people, things) that I still actively engage with - some more abstract than others - and also some concepts that I still passively engage with. But these have been so much more considered than they ever have been before - for example really questioning the value that I get from an online support group that was once at the focus of my monthly explorations; and recognising that - for now at least - it isn't a space that I find I need to be occupying. Not in a negative or particularly emotive way - just in a way that feels like my focus is best spent elsewhere.

And whilst I am greatly enjoying the freedom to make decisions on my own terms, and really thinking through how I spend my time and energy; it is still unsettling now and then to remember that I didn't think like this in the past. I really was a great deal more free-flowing in how I engaged with social groups and (sometimes!) the outside world. There was a freedom in having some ignorances across those two decades; and I remember a great deal of that time with fondness.

But it also feels like a Rubicon has been crossed - not necessarily in terms of a conscious decision I have made (like "I am going to be more of this XYZ type of a person from now onwards") - but more that a switch has been irrevocably flicked in my brain that means I have to give these new considerations to things in my life much more - not quite to the point of overthinking things too frequently - but certainly to a point where I have to think through things more, which takes more time; and can be unsettling when the expected outcomes don't materialise.

But yeah, I feel different in how my brain works now; it's better - in the sense of deeper meaning is within the decisions I make about how I spend my time and who with and doing what - but is also markedly different than to the brain of perhaps a few years ago, and certainly that piloted me through those two decades.

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And I know we all develop and change as humans in this mysterious process that is life and growing up and growing old - which is why I'm not completely freaked out by this all - because adapting to new circumstances is one of the few things we have to do well at as a species; I think I am still feeling a bit unsettled by how new all of these new approaches and mindsets still feel - and how distant and disconnected the Dan of say five years ago - how far away they feel.

I don't miss them; I still retain fond memories and memorabilia that are strong souvenirs of that time (I literally am building a calendar of all these past events, and a catalogue of past items to retain in a collection of memories from my past); it's just the alternative - the new me if you will - still feels quite raw and quite new in how they function, and I think I'm still getting used to that.

But I have love and support in doing so, and that's pretty much all I need to develop: To connect with the new me.

=

Oh and if you didn't already know, I'm walking a small(!) hike of 72 miles across 6 days - ostensibly to establish a route from my home town of Chesterfield to my current home town of Leeds. But I'm also looking to fundraise for the charity I work for; and I would very graciously accept any donations that anyone reading this might feel inclined to give.

Thank you!🧡

https://www.justgiving.com/page/djstead