I Am One Years Old Today

 

A year ago today I woke up feeling the closest to nothingness, that I hope I ever experience.

Quite what had led me to this low point, I am not sure, other than a combination of factors; but I grow increasingly certain that one of the main reasons I felt so down is because of the recent realisations of how good life can be.
That, and an imbalance of chemicals in my brain.

Soon after I took on a course of anti-depressants, which I finished in time for my 42nd birthday, and the start of the Year of the Dan.

And as I start to emerge from my Project Chrysalis, I've taken to the idea of rebirth as an appropriate analogy for what I am now navigating.

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But I wanted to try and capture exactly what it feels to be just one year old. Because it's actually quite challenging to realise.

A lot of who I was before my rebirth seems to be lost to memory [as in, I can still remember bits of it; I have recollections of key moments and many people]; I just don't relate to that person any more. And there isn't like a clean break between then and now either; I still have fond appreciation for a number of things that I used to enjoy - Discworld is one example of something I have returned to as part of the Year of the Dan - and I don't feel a need to divorce myself from anything unintentionally.

But not being able to relate to the person I have been for such a long time, is unsettling for a one-year-old. I know that I had different energy levels, and attitudes, and approaches to life; but none of that seems quite like me anymore - it does feel I am having to (wanting to?) take another go at how I engage with the world, with myself, and with folks in general.

It does feel difficult to relearn some of my social skills - or, more accurately - pay closer attention to what is going on in my brain, in relation to the external experiences, and my internal emotions too. And that again feels odd to be saying, especially when there hasn't been an obvious, or even traumatic event that suddenly uprooted every thing I used to be familiar with - even though in many ways, that feels like something that has happened.

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Today I celebrated myself a little bit, by going on a hike from Pannal train station, up towards the water tower overlooking Harrogate, then down to the Square & Compass at North Rigton (for a tasty BBQ pub meal, and a pint of cider), before walking back over to Pannal.

At one point I was able to quietly observe a hare in a field for what felt like a long moment, and I was also getting lost in my music [my reconnection to albums, and exploration of new music, is going well with my MP3 player]. Some of the songs in particular on Turisas' Stand Up and Fight album were giving me real uplifting vibes - and I think are an underrated gem.

These experiences make me want to venture out into the world of experiences again; with myself as a central character.

But I also want to strengthen and deepen the relationship I have with the person that saved me a year ago; the person that still took it upon themselves to bring me back from nothingness; and who has been the best partner throughout, then and now.

The person that still found for me on that day, a little strip of leather, attached to a keychain attachment, that goes wherever I go now, as a reminder of then, and of now.

I love that person, and I cannot wait to grow and grow with them; becoming the person they see in me, and getting closer to that shared life and shared future that we often daydream about together.

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There's a long way to go; which makes the journey maybe feel more arduous and complex than others; but that also brings the joy and excitement of the great amount of time we should have, to spend it wisely and in many multiples of ways.

I am now one. We are two. And the years ahead are many. 

And the love we have to give is lots.